"Well, maybe it's time to be clear about who I am.
I am someone who is looking for love.

Real love--ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't live without each other love. And I don't think that love is here; in this expensive suite, in this lovely hotel, in Paris.

It's not your fault, it's my fault.

I shouldn't of come here."--Sex and the City

*****

So I met this guy about a month and a half ago. We chat, we laugh, we get to know each other. We date, we kiss, we do couple-y things.

But there has never been that *spark*, you know?

It is so comfortable around him, I feel completely safe and witty and funny and pretty, yet something is missing.

And I don't know how to fix it. Something's missing. And I don't know what it is. No, I don't know what it is--at all.

I can't help but be confused. On paper, this person is amazing. But there are minor quirks that just REALLY annoy me. For example, he always seems to be just a little bit nervous. Even when he is just relaxing with me or with his friends, he just seems "nervous." By nervous, I mean that he makes little gasping laughs that annoy the crap out of me and he always seems a little unsure of himself. He likes looking into my eyes whenever I am stressed out and repeating "It'll be OK." OVER AND OVER AND OVER It is so annoying. It isn't the words, more the delivery. He says it like he is talking to a preschool child. Blah. And the thing that gets to me the most is when he calls me crazy and a nerd.

Now, I must say that he says this not in a mean way, but in a teasing way. But I really hate it. I have told him that I don't like it. But he still does it. Gah. I realize that many aspects of me are quite nerdy, but I wouldn't consider myself a nerd nor crazy.

I think of myself as a passionate human being that isn't always conventional or convenient. I am passionate about subjects I love. I appreciate beauty around me. I read poetry. I like being creative. I like laughing over lots of things. I like being gregarious, but I also value my private time. I like going out. I like drinking with my friends. When I say I am busy, I am busy.

I don't know. Around him, I often feel like a faucet. On and off, hot and cold. I just think I deserve someone who is just a little bit more similar and in a similar place in life. I am getting ready to graduate and strike it out on my own, not looking forward to more school.

I hope this doesn't make me sound like a pretentious princess.

So, here I am diaryland folk...help me out. I don't know what to do.
*****

"Well, maybe it's time to be clear about who I am.
I am someone who is looking for love.

Real love--ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't live without each other love. And I don't think that love is here; in this expensive suite, in this lovely hotel, in Paris.

It's not your fault, it's my fault.

I shouldn't of come here."--Sex and the City