It's been a strange, exhausting week. I have so much on my mind with the coming months and having doubts of my capabilites and starting from scratch in the relationship arena is a bit daunting. I have no doubt that it will all work out the way it is meant to, but the fact that the time is simultaneously on the fast track and staying frozen is disorienting. I know my time out here is ending. I want to move away as soon as possible, but I also want to savor each moment. I want to experience every moment of the next four months, but I also want to hurry and get it over with so I can settle back into the routine of things. I'm surprisingly ok after the break-up. I thought I might pull a Bridget Jones, but in all, I've been doing better than expected. When you have most of your friends expressing relief at the end of the relationship, you can't help but realize that the person you invested so much in was perhaps not the person meant for you. I think what I am most disappointed in is that I was very honest with Jansport from the beginning of the relationship, and my transparency was not mutual. It wasn't a fantastically horrible break-up, but it was sad. Sad knowing in your heart that it wasn't meant to be for a long time, but not acting on it, only to realize that the other party felt exactly the same way. I'm lucky to be blessed with resilence. When it comes down to it, I deserve more. More than Jansport was ever going to offer. I need real love, a love that is accepting, a relationship with humor, someone who brings out my bests and takes my worsts. That was never there. I know that I've learned immeasureable amounts about myself in the past nine months, but I also know that I don't want to go back there. I want to be myself. I want to have someone who adores me as much as I adore them. I want someone that I am comfortable enough with that I don't feel silly for bringing up topics that matter to me or even practice my non-PC impersonations with. Fortunately, my friends have circled the wagons around me and have listened to me for countless hours, offering support and understanding. In the end, no regrets. But I now know more about what I want and need in a relationship. ======== Onto FIERCENESS! CHRISTIAN SIRIANO won Project Runway, and after a season of Rami-worshipping from the editing of the show, I couldn't be happier with the end results. When Heidi announced that Christian was the winner, I was so convinced that Rami was going to win, I was just about as shocked as Christian. I totally cried and I'm not ashamed to say it. Love that show. Love my friends. Love my life. |